Its been quite some time that I opened up about truth and me in this space, which helps me more than anyone cz when I write anything here, I sit down to really hear myself and that does fantastic things to me.
So I’m an intense person. I have always been intense, in everything I feel or do, whether its being happy or being sad, whether its been useful or been useless. I have not known what is the meaning of middle way. I don’t believe I understand the concept of being gray, I’m either black or white, and which is why compromise is one of the words of English that I don’t understand. No one involved in a compromise ever gets what they want the way they want it and honestly I feel the compromises I see most people make aint even balanced but always titled to one side more and that doesnt make it any fair or even a compromise.
I am true to myself in what I do or dont. If I do not believe in something, I do not align with it. If I decide to plunge into something, I give it to my 100% and get the shit done. I operate in extremes, I do not experience what is middle ground, I did rather use the whole ground. And with each year passing, its not just my age that’s increasing, but also my understanding and wisdom. Wisdom not about the world or some topic, but about my existence. Now when I look back, I can clearly see through the events that I went through and see the real ‘why me’. The real why me is never the way we have been trained to see it, but rather see what did it wanted me to learn or unlearn for that matter, and definitely that’s a ‘why me’ as it happened coz my existence needed it to happen.
I have talked earlier too about the depression that I went through as a phase and I would say this again today, that it was an enlightening eye opener. I have no regret whatsoever about going through it and I condemn the taboo that’s associated with mental health. Life happens to all of us and everything is transformative in itself and that defines if you can transform poison into medicine. It was because of what I went through inside ( not on outside getting into the idiosyncrasies of who did what and who did not do what, of who stood by me and who stabbed me), confronting who I see myself as, and what all I feel and react to, I learnt the most about me in a big way – I realized my limitations and became clearly aware of them. The moment I made peace with my limitations and being comfortable with saying NO I felt like I came home. I am more in sync with myself and indulge into things, feelings, people and goals that I really really want to and connect to, anything that feels like me. I love to walk away from anything idea or concept or people who do not serve my values in life. Its one life that we all have, and there is no point living it for someone else. And to anyone to feels its their life’s purpose to mess someone else’s life and feel powerful and useful by doing that, its not gonna last long and it all comes back with interest. Its the law of universe.
I continue living and exploring being aware that I dont need to push myself to please people. I continue living and exploring being aware that people who really value me would not try to mold me into who they want me to be. I continue living and exploring being aware that I would keep denying things or ideas I dont relate to and would not let go of this new found me-ism for anyone else.
At the end of the day, the question that matters to me the most is not if I have someone to sleep with but if I’m someone I can sleep with. I look at myself and echo ‘I can sleep with you’.